In Early May

She hates to think of nothing, to leave her mind not as busy as her body parts are, to have an empty space in her head for him to come and slip in like he always does. Him, the one she met by accident, the one she never plan of keeping, the one she always fail getting rid of, the one she hates because she loves. It is because she loves him she hates herself. Her, the one who sees him only from afar, the one who dreams of changing the world yet can barely change her own feelings, the one who wishes to be more daunting yet is too afraid of losing, despite the fact that he is something that she never owns.

It's early May, but why does it feel like late December?

It's probably because of me, love.

Why is that?

You're missing me.

Only One

When midnight comes and eyes are closed, nameless faces wander inside my mind and You're standing among them. It replays back the poems of life and death they wrote for You, undressing my mind and my soul as the lights are slowly dimmed. Illumination left on some words and phrases for me to read and embrace, those that read "hold onto your faith." and "there'll come sunshine." But even when darkness wins, shutting down my hopes and dreams, You're always there to keep my sanity clean and my screams redeemed.

You're the Only One.

Tired

It's when your body refuses to get out of the bed, and your skin feels like it's burning every single time it touches the fabric of your clothes. It's when the burden you've been dealing with march its way to your head, and your eyes felt like they're burning inside every time they're closed.

The Vibe is Back!

I haven't write anything for the past 5 days, why? Not that I was too busy, since I have my long weekend this week, (April 18th-20th were my days off). Not that Ameera kept me full-handed in my home either, since she's been a really nice baby recently (she eats and sleeps well). Why, then?

Good news...for myself, for the vibe is back! What vibe? My writing vibe! Writing a blog was such a "turn on" for me to write some more, and now here I am, having my recent fiction in process. I've reached the second chapter last night, and it consists of around 2,000 words, and I feel pretty much stoked and excited about it!

It's been really awhile since the last time I wrote a fanfiction, moreover a fiction, like the original one. I thought that my job was the one that's keeping me away from the "vibe" of writing a fiction, but I guess that's not it. I stopped roleplaying for more than a week now, I urge myself not to open any of my roleplay facebook account and to standby on my own for work and socializing purpose.

And guess what, it helps a lot! I spent every single damn minute to write, write, and write each time Ameera is with her babysitter, each time I'm free, (mostly when I'm about to fall asleep). I may not be as fast as I did back then when I was still in college writing a fanfiction called "Clueless", where I stayed in a dormitory and my classes were ended before 4PM (obvious reasons). But I think I manage my time quite well this time, in between my chores at home and research at work, I still manage quite well to write, and just to add, to read my friend's fiction in process too!

It feels pretty much like the old days, when she and I are such active authors in AFF, when we tend to exchange our updates every time we're done with a new chapter for our story, and how it would trigger each other to write more, to finish faster, just so it will be read. I miss those.

It feels good too, to know that I still manage to write on my blog too, though I've been absent for 5 days. But 5 days aren't forever, right? I will make sure that I still write things here, be it my journal or some things stinking cheesy for my literature corner. So until the next update, see you around and take care, peeps!

Bahagia Bukanlah Sempurna: Worth Some Vote-ups!

So I was in my dining room two days ago when suddenly my older sister came to me running with a confused-yet-excited face. I asked her what happened, of course, and that was when she enthusiastically told me about her cousin (yes, her, not mine, since we only share the same father, not womb, if you know what I mean), Mas Levi, we used to call him. He participated in this Indonesian Indie Movie Competition held by Buronan Film (or so it is stated on the website's name). What she said to me was, "Ki, Mas Levi has posted the trailer for his movie in this website," she said as she gave me her iPhone, showed her safari browser with this website opened. "He needs a lot of votes so he could win the top three."

Confused and interested with the topic, (I have always been interested in Indie movies, especially those came from my own country) I asked her again of what will the top three get as the price. "The top three will receive donations, of which will be enough for the participants to make a real movie out of their trailers. So if Mas Levi win this, he'll be able to direct his own movie!"

Curious with what the trailer looks like, I opened the website given to me awhile ago and logged in using my Facebook account. An email verification is needed before anyone could log into the website and browse the gallery. After I was done doing the procedures needed to view the gallery, I searched for Mas Levi's trailer right away. The title is Bahagia Bukanlah Sempurna (briefly translated into Happiness isn't about Perfection), which you can see yourself through this link here, or by playing the video below:

The movie's plot is stated below the trailer in Bahasa. I've translated it into English here for anyone from outside the country to read:

It is about a disabled little girl who only has one leg and one arm. She only lives with her father, who likes to drink a hell lot since his wife abandoned him with their child. The poor girl quit her school for being bullied by her normal classmates, only spends some of her times with a very few neighbors she has as friends, while most are spent alone. There comes a day when her father came home drunk. Losing the control of his temper, he hit the girl on her face until she lost her consciousness. That was the last time she saw him around. The plot jumped into years later, when the girl has turned into an independent woman with a supporting mannequin leg and arm. Lives in an apartment all by herself, she tends to have nightmares at night, about a ghost of a little girl pulling her mannequin body parts away from her, makes her feel uncomfortable. She then decided to go back to her old house, where she finds a box filled with old Polaroid pictures, and the picture shocks her. The picture captures herself in blood, with a leg and an arm belongs to another little girl. She tries to remember about what has happened in the past, and the ending reveals the reason for her nightmares. She killed a girl who bullied her a lot when she was still in school, just for having a perfection that doesn't even bring her any happiness.

Ergh, scary much, eh? *shivers* Ghost stories don't scare me, but they do, when they have a touch of thriller in it. I hate thriller, not that I dislike it, it's actually one of my favorite genres, but it scares the shit out of me. And I think this movie, if Mas Levi ever win this (in which I hope he will), will scare the shit out of me too. I mean, come on, don't you think cutting other people's body parts aren't horrifying enough?! Personally, I like the plot, it is something one could use in a fiction, but one doesn't simply come up with such idea. It's unique in its own way. I'm being a little biased here, though, since I think he has some heavy competitors there *amazed with what's in the gallery* but really, he deserves some more votes than he got already right now. 38?! Others have above 400 votes, I mean, come on!

Best of luck for Mas Levi. I hope anyone who read this wouldn't bother to use some of their minutes to give it a try, to put on some vote-ups, to give a chance for this guy to give what Indonesian Horror Movie needs, the "vibe", and ain't the porn. (PORN IS WHAT'S IN INDONESIAN'S MOST HORROR MOVIES, HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?!) Apart from that, I wish everyone a good day ahead.

Honolulu, peeps!

Life as a Research Assistant

I had been complaining about my job ever since I got here on July 16th 2013, knowing that my friends have "cooler" job titles, like "copy writer" and "publicity officer". The fact that the company I'm working in right now is a new and small company got me insecure too, moreover that I'm the kind of person who tends to compare my situation with my friends'.

"Where do you work?" is my less favorite question to answer about my career. Others (referring to those friends of mine) would answer proudly with "RCTI" (a big television company in my country), "Rolling Stone Magazine", or "Allianz". Mine, if I have to answer, would be, "just a small company in West Jakarta. An IT company in property field, stuffs like that."

Then people would go like, "So your company sells houses and buildings, yes?" ARGH. We're an IT company, not a property agent, or broker, or whatsoever company! It frustrates me at times, when some families of mine keep on asking when will my boss give me a free house to live in. Like what the actual fuckery, man? Zzz.

So... My title for this company right now is "Research Assistant and Administrative", sounds cool, yet so rare I hate it when people questions about it. Because the more I explain them about what I'm doing, the less cooler it will be. So what do I do? I'm collecting data, as much as possible, as much as I could, as much as time would let me, just so I could calculate the exact number of how much each land per square-meter costs in each region in big cities in my country. Sounds so simple, yet it's a hell lot thing to do. It takes times and a great concentration. Well, actually, it's something anyone who's willing to learn can do, one doesn't have to reach a bachelor degree (moreover a literature student like me) to get a research done.

That's why I feel a bit of... Well, what's my three and a half years of studying English language, linguistic, and literature for, then, if I end up doing math here instead? Then I ran across this blog, and I read it carefully, "Research Assistant" is described as something more interesting than it did on mine up there just now. It says:

Being a Research Assistant is very similar to being a detective. You have been given an objective - to uncover as much information you can about a subject - and you must go to any means to retrieve this information. Sometimes this will include wandering through libraries for hours, collapsing in defeat between the stacks, carrying copious amounts of books which obscure your vision, and other courageous acts of research. Often you must be stealthy and exploit all the resources available - even if this involves assuming another identity, picking up on the smallest clues left behind and following these leads meticulously. You must be dedicated, you must be tireless, and most importantly you must have an abnormally long attention span.

And still, from the same blog, added up below the paragraphs are:

The experience of research has its own unique joys and frustrations which I believe are universal, no matter the topic of study.

It makes me realized that, actually, I'm a detective after all these times! Really! I've been in phone calls as a made-up identity, just to collect data from brokers about the cost of certain lands in the cities, act out as if I have the interest to buy it myself. It's tough, especially when they call you back to follow you up about it. I was like, "I don't even have money fml."

The blog, thankfully, has opened my eyes for a new perspective of my job, that it isn't as boring as I thought. Even more, I gained a lot of knowledge from this job regarding property industry! Not forget to mention the research skill increased.

I feel better right now, knowing that what I'm doing isn't just something anyone could do. One would need a hell lot of dedication, concentration, and stuffs to conduct a research. And I have survived almost a year doing this thing every day. I named my office's computer "Jawn" as in John Watson, for he is my best friend and source for my research and many other "cases".

Okay then, that's all about it for now. Detective Q is out!

The Truth Is...

If I should list some things that are his,

of which I truly miss,
it would be his smile, his lips against my cheeks,
his palms on my forehead, his good-night-kiss,
and his creaky voice when he said "Good day ahead, little miss,"
things I really wish up until now still exists.

The Night is Young

Don't be too careful,
go on and sing along.
Walk chin-up ahead,
like there's nothing wrong.
Your life's waiting,
so leave your fears abandoned.
Take all the risks, darling,
for the night is still young.

Patience

Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure

A beautiful suggestion well-told.

Extra Ordinary

You aren't the red roses in anniversaries,
nor the chocolates in Valentine's day,
you're something extra ordinary,
one that isn't simply found and stays.