Wave-back Wednesday

He wasn't a man in an armor,
nor a knight on a horse.
While some men do it better,
sometimes he did it worse.

He was weak and tired,
but he was always steady.
He was one who'd most likely hurt
everyone but his own ladies.

Instead of those strong hands girls dream of,
I had a pair of thin-wrinkled ones instead.
But those hands would hold me when I need them,
so tight and close that his palms would turn red.

He had the eyes of a promising father,
and they always invited me in.
Now that he's gone away forever,
I'm just a lost daddy's girl without him.

Jeux D'enfants: Tu Me Manques.

Hello, there.

How have you been doing, besides disappearing and being out of track? At times when I have no better things to be thought about, I think about you. I let you slip into my mind, and it is surprisingly easy, despite the fact that my logic, and even my dumb heart knows that I shouldn't have done it again.

At times I don't think I need anyone to caress this fragile heart of mine but myself, you come across. It is weird, and you're such a disturbing image to see, such a disastrous distraction to fight, and an awful, painful memory to be remembered and reminisced.

Yet no matter how stupid it is, how illogically ill I am, and how a scumbag you once were or still are, I enjoy those moments when I catch myself thinking about you, daydreaming about you. I can feel my heart shouting at my sanity, to not drag it into the same old hole full of those pathetic feelings I once had for you. I can feel my mind struggling, scratching the inside of my skull with its hard logical truth, trying to remind me of the same old pain you once dragged me into.

But remembering you is easy, remembering us is easy, forgetting you is not, and erasing you is worse. So I let my insanity takes over. It's like being in a complicated maze, knowing I will never find a way out, but I'm enjoying every similar corner I encounter inside: the flowers once bloomed. Its scent lingers me, bringing up everything about you back onto the surface, as I sink deeper into this ocean, drowning in the memory of you and me, we and us.

The shrugged shoulders,
the "I don't know"s...
The almost,
the in-betweens...
I think about you so much now,
are you dreaming about me?

There Goes My 20s

People said that your 20s would go faster than you have ever thought it would. One day you woke up being a freshman of the 20-line, then the next morning could just be your last 20-some day. That's what I'm feeling right now, though I haven't even the reach the middle part of it but indeed, the first three went so fast.

I'm a girl with big dreams, hell yeah I dream big. But I'm also that kind of person who let things flow, too easily sometimes that I make no effort of changing my direction and just follow the wave that lead me toward the same old island called the 30s. Too busy keeping my head up the water and my body balance in this warm and still ocean I am in, I guess, that I have passed some other islands along my way.

Those islands might take more effort than just keeping your head up and balancing your body with your arms, it might have some big waves, even storms to welcome you in, and you might have to use your legs too to keep you moving forward toward those islands despite the bad-bad-bad weather, to those islands called Adventures.

I might have passed three, if only the island appears annually, but I might have passed some numbers too if there were lots of them.The warm-still water keeps me where I am. Not that I'm not happy about it. What could have been more comforting, right? Your families are waiting for you on the 30s, your future's clear. You'll find a man, be a good housewife like perhaps the rest of the females in your family are, make and raising kids, a family of your own, clean the house, cook the meals, 24/7, for the rest of your upcoming life. That's what us girls will be in the end, like it or not, we're the female of the species. Unlike those Adventure islands, who knows what's inside? There might be where the monsters from your nightmares live!

But... when the day arrive, I would be spending my days on that island not knowing what storm looks like, or-or-or how surfing on those big waves feels like. Because again, whether or not have you "visited" those islands of Adventures, you're still going to end up in 30s anyway, right? So why bother not visiting? Said my heart.

Soon, it's going to be my 4th year in this 20s ocean. I'm counting months, and the bad thing about is, it's that in the 20s ocean, months felt like days, and days like hours, and hours like minutes, and it goes on and on and on. Like... Yesterday was May! It's almost mid July already? You have got to be fucking kidding me, man! Will I let another Adventure island pass? Will I not find new things to learn, like big waves and storms? All of us will say "there goes my 20s" the moment we arrive in our 30s. It's about what tone will we use. Are we satisfied? Will I be satisfied?

I hope, when I reach my 30s, I'll have a proud smile on my face, a tired sigh out of my mouth, with a kid of my own on my lap as I finish this story, "there goes my 20s," and there my kid would answer, "I want a 20s journey like yours, Ma!" I hope. Let's keep on swimming for now.

20s ocean, please be nice.

Flava and the Seven Wonders

It's a wrap! was the only thing I could think of uttering when this art project was finally finished. Yes, a project based on my college friends and I, titled Flava and the Seven Wonders. It all started on one night when we had a chat together. One of them, Kanira, insisted on having an all-English conversation in our chat room, said that it was to improve her English. So all of us agree, I mean, why not? We have left our English speaking and writing skill for quite some times anyway. So there we had it.

We shared about most things, practicing our English along, and so I did. I shared them my current favorite song, the one I had been listening to quite a lot since I watched Rio 2. It was an OST from the movie, sung beautifully by Anne Hathaway and Flavia Maia, both in English and Portuguese, titled Don't Go Away. That was when I fell deeply in love with Brazil, its culture, and its language.

I couldn't clearly remember how did it all started but I chose Flava, from Flavia Maia's name of course, to be my name during our so-called English session, said that she (Flava) was from Rio de Janeiro, which how she had her full name: Flava de Janeiro (amazing how Janeiro means January, since I was born in that exact month). Two of my friends who joined the nickname thingy right away were Arin and Tia. Each chose the name Sexy and Latin as theirs.

It all went fun, calling each other with our new names with new background, it was like having an exclusive inner-group roleplay. (Sexy and Latin were from South America btw). And so the others followed; Kanira as Snow, Sarah as Candy, Manda as Ruby, Tria as Dove, and Sheilla as White. There was when it all started, I guess, the idea of doodling-out Flava and her seven wonders.

The idea was warmly welcomed by my girls and so I started that night right away, begun with some ugly drafts and raw sketches, 'till I finally used my big thumb over my giant-screen of my phablet to visualize them into a colored digital doodle. I updated them on my Instagram, one character per one day, started by Flava, Latin, Candy, and so's and so's and on and on. It took me eight days in a row to upload them all, and this is how they turned out:

Flava and the Seven Wonders

I know lotso practices are needed, but I'm pretty happy with the result, for each character represents at least a little of my true seven wonders. (Look how Flava's explosive hairs represent mine! Lol!) Until the next art project, (thinking of a Trio Rio for Ochi, Aii, and I) thanks for stopping by!

Xoxo,

Q :D

The Seventh June 30th

"You may be out of my sight, but not out of my mind.

You may be out of my reach, but not out of my heart.

I may mean nothing to you, but you will always be special to me."

J.U

I am proud to say that I quoted these beautiful lines not from those poets I'm a fan of, and that this well-written piece belonged to the man of my life, my Daddy. Those lines above, however, was given to me on my 14th birthday, and so it was given to my older sisters on their birthdays during the same year. All that we could think about (or at least I thought about) was "Oh, Daddy! You are such a Casanova! Just how many times you write a piece like this for a woman?"

His answer was, "Four. Shanty, Mieke, Shinta, and the sexiest, tan-skinned girl I have, you."

That didn't mean that much back then, not until he went "home". It was a bright June 30th of 2007, an ordinary Saturday morning when his last kiss landed on my forehead. "Don't skip prayers," was all he ever said. It was the day I experienced my first loss.

Though I was undoubtedly depressed to have the fate insisted me to be a sudden "head of the family" (when I was still 15 years old) with an ill mom (Mama had a stroke back then), I always remembered what Daddy said the night before he left. "Sometimes, I wonder why people feel like giving up, of which result's a suicide. Do they not have Him, The One they can lean on?"

I stupidly answered him with, "Maybe because when they pray, He doesn't answer." I remember just how mad he was at me for giving him such answer, and how actually disappointed he was.

"How can you, a daughter of an Ustadz have such idea?!" Then he said, "Allah always answer. Some of His people aren't smart enough to see His signs. How could they? I bet they don't know what those lines in the five-times-a-day prayers even mean. Do they even read the Qur'an? No. They're busy being sad and complaining. But even for those stupid people, Allah answers. It's a pity that they can't see it. Don't be a stupid one too, Nis."

That was what kept me strong the whole years. Each time I face a difficulty, deep in my heart I believe, Allah will answer. The day I lost my Dad, I asked Allah, how will my life be from there, who will take care of me, and so's and so's and on, and on. Allah answered right away, with my Uncle (from my mom's side) came to us saying, "We cannot take Kiki and her mother with us." My older sister, along with her mom (Daddy had wives lol) and her husband then welcomed me. Alhamdulillah, I live with them up until now, and heaven knows how happy I am. See? Again, Allah answered.

I'm thankful it means that I'm not one of those stupid people my Daddy talked about. Now that the 7th June 30th came, I asked Him again, "Is my Daddy doing well? Is he happy? Does he miss me?" And again, Allah answered. On the d-day, June 30th, my sister reminded me of the lines he wrote for us in one of her status updates, and that night, we couldn't help but cry.

We're doing fine, too Daddy.
It's Ramadan here.
Just like you said:
out of sight, not out of mind,
out of reach, not out of heart,
and yes, you will always be special to us too.

The sexiest, tan-skinned girl you have,

Kiki.