I always know that it was a stupid love from the very first time it all started. The stuttered “I love you”, the kiss on my forehead, the linked fingers, the promises, none of them were real, none of them were worth my time, I always know that, and I’ve tried to warn myself, yet I always failed, and I also realized, that everything, starting from that very moment, will lead to a disaster in the end.
“Give me a moment”, I said to myself. Ignored the pain and stupidity grown in me, it was like going insane, it was like stuck in a kind of madness that just won’t let you go, a kind of destructive addiction, a bliss. No matter how broken I was that time, I stood still, I continued everything, whole-heartedly, thinking it was a medicine instead of drug, that it’d help me, that it’d cause me good, even though I always know that it was not.
I got butterflies in my tummy, my brain was freezing, my knees were weak, my hands were stiff, and my eyes were blind, blind from all reasons that should have take me away from you. Suddenly, all the metaphors weren’t metaphors anymore. Suddenly they transformed into these literal meanings, where you could actually choke on your own words and died.
It was beautiful, and then there was this pain and tears, and then my mind went blank for a moment before it filled up again with joy, full of warm hugs and kisses from you, and then a dagger stabbed me right through my chest, deep into my heart, felt almost literal, I was bleeding, before it turned to be liters of sugars, oh so sweet and tender and lovely I could die for being awake for so long, afraid to fall asleep, afraid that I would lose everything.
Real, unreal, dream, reality, I can no longer differentiate. All of them were lurking out of my mind like those ants would came out from their hole, biting me on my skin, tried to wake me up from everything, that this was just making beliefs, that I need to get out of this madness, get away from this addiction, but again, it failed. Even their painful stings didn’t move me an inch. I was smiling, your sugar was enough for me to live with, I didn’t think that I would need anything else.
I was pulled, and dragged, and abandoned. Then I was picked up and hugged and kissed. Then you left again, rant at me, blame on me like I’m such a sinister, that I don’t deserve any of your sugar, and love, and everything. And then I was stepped on, like an old book of fairy tale we used to read and believe, the one we used to look up to, I was burnt, it was hot and painful, my heart was burnt, I cried, but my tears couldn’t stop the fire, but I didn’t die either, it was weird, it was funny, it hurt so bad I laughed at myself. Those signs I should have followed, why did I wake up so late?
We weren’t shouting, but our hearts were…or was it only mine? Stupid and unreasonable, my heart was shouting so loud it deaf me, so loud it hurt my lungs, so loud I lose my breath, so loud I wasn’t sure I can shout out for real anymore. We weren’t crying, but our minds were…or was it only mine? My mind cried so hard it weaken my whole body and muscles, so hard that I felt like I’m mad already, so hard that the images of you, the images I made of you, ran in my head, so hard that I finally started to cry for real. We weren’t attached, but you kept me with no chains, hold me with no touch, and I stayed, attached to you, so bad, terribly, so much that I missed you now.
You were my muse, my sugar, my spice, and everything nice, the way I would portray a true love would be like, you…you…you…all of my ideas of you. I fell for my own idea of you, the one I made on my own, in a way I know was wrong but I chose to believe, the one that had been controlling me, now tell me...are you even exist?
You're a gravity I once stuck into, I can't see you, I can't feel you with my sense either, but you pulled me in, with the most unexplainable way, the most natural way, so natural I almost think it was real.
